"I am gonna lock her up" Trump confesses to Bartbright

Bartbright: Mr. President, the First 100 Days mark is fast approaching.  What are your feelings at this point?

Donald Trump: We are clearly having  the best presidential rollout  in US history, or any history for that matter. I am in the league of  Nero, who set  the Rome on fire at the beginning of his second term because Senate was bothering him.  It is a hoot.

Bartbright: Do you feel that you could have done some things better?

Donald Trump: Better? Definitely not. There is absolutely nothing that we could have done any better.

Bartbright: The introduction of the American Health Care Act was a bit rocky…some might even call it a setback.

Donald Trump: A bunch of doofuses, that's all. There is one thing that is wrong with Obamacare that was always a huge problem for me.  So we went through this repeal circus.

Bartbright: Is it the price of coverage? The number of uninsured Americans? What is wrong?

Donald Trump: The name — Obamacare. I cannot stand it.

Bartbright: And that is why you repealed it?

Donald Trump: We actually have not done anything but change the name.  Some people got confused when Ryan yanked the project before the vote.  Now we will  replace it according to my plan.

Bartbright: So you actually do have a plan?!

Donald Trump: Yes I do, and it is beautiful. We are going to insure everybody and it will not cost a darn penny.

Bartbright: My head is spinning. Tell me more.

Donald Trump: Remember when I gave Angela Merkel a bill for 300 billion dollars for protection? She could not afford it, but she promised that the European Union will provide Trumpcare for all Americans.

Bartbright: Amazing! How did you managed to convince her?

Donald Trump: Am I chopped liver? This is what I do for a living, and when you team up with Vladimir Putin sky is the limit!

Bartbright: So Mexico will pay for the border wall, China for burying their coal in West Virginia, and the European Union for universal healthcare for all Americans. Awesome!

Donald Trump: I am just warming up. We're gonna win so much that you may even get tired of winning and you'll say "please, please Mr. President, it's too much winning! We can't take it anymore!"

Bartbright: Are you bothered by the Earwax Scandal?

Donald Trump: Loose lips sink ships but dirty ears can destroy the American Dream. The Code Red Personal Hygiene executive order went off without a hitch, but that is not enough. Within ten miles of Mar-a-Lago there are several outlets that offer to buy “good earwax”  for a good price.  And my Russian friends tell me that some of my eavesdropping guests are trying to sell their earwax on craigslist and ebay. 

Bartbright: Unbelievable! These people have no shame. Can something be done about it?

Donald Trump: Not legally, unfortunately. Selling earwax is no different than selling blood or other bodily secretions. I mentioned it to Putin and he immediately challenged me.

Bartbright: He challenged you? How dare he!

Donald Trump: Ease up; he is a friend and a mentor and he is trying to help. But this challenge needs a response.

Bartbright: So what is it?

Donald Trump (pulls out a copy of New York Times) Look at this picture.

Bartbright (studies picture and mumbles) Vladimir Putin behind his desk and talking on the phone…

Donald Trump: Look carefully at the desk.

Bartbright (stares intently) Oh my God! There is a jar with a pair of human ears next to his samovar!

Donald Trump: They belonged to Ambassador Sergey Kislyak, and I am told that Vladimir harvested them himself.

Bartbright: Mamma Mia! You do have to find a measured and proportional response! What is it going to be?

Donald Trump: I have to lock Hillary up as I promised.

Bartbright (with barely hidden excitement): Wow! Are you gonna cut off her ears too?

Donald Trump: Hopefully not; after all she was a guest at my wedding. But it's like with North Korea — we need to have all of the options on the table.

Truth, logic and fake news -|- Bartbright interviewed by opposition media

New York Times: In these days of fake media and questionable reporting you stand above all as a voice of reason and a beacon for conservative readers. What is your secret?

Bartbright: We appreciate this kind appraisal. As to your question — the answer is simple: today’s world is complicated and multi-dimensional.  So as a matter of policy, we do not disagree with anybody, but rather add to the existing narrative and fill in what appears to be missing. 

New York Times: How can one not disagree in the presence of glaring contradictions? Shouldn’t a political program sort out these logical issues and toss falsehoods out?

Bartbright: We do not have a political program. Instead we are trying to build a bigger tent of understanding. 

New York Times: A bigger tent of understanding? But truth and falsehood do not mix!

Bartbright: Perhaps one needs to be more specific. Do you have any examples of these contradictions?

New Your Times: Consider this: At the moment, the Trump administration is on a path to dismantle the existing health care system. They are planning a massive tax cut for the richest 1%,  and to abolish programs for the poor and defund scientific endeavors that are not to their liking. And  …

Bartbright (interrupts): This may be all true, but where is the contradiction that you are complaining about?

New York Time (somewhat surprised) These things do not square with Trump’s campaign’s slogan of making America great again!

Bartbright: Is that so? We would rather say that  President Trump is trying to implement a plan that will make America great again by giving  the American people their inalienable constitutional rights back. What do you make of this?

New York Times: Rights? and what rights are those??

Bartbright: The right to be be sick, poor, and miserable. You must agree that people ought to have a say in such matters.

New York Times: Ha, ha, there you have it! What about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? Don’t your “rights” contradict the Declaration of Independence and the words of our Founding Fathers? 

Bartbright: Not at all. Have you noticed the word “pursuit”? It speaks to an ongoing process which has to start somewhere. There is no better starting place toward happiness then being  sick, poor, and miserable.

New York Times: This is insane! Do you really want to make everybody  miserable? 

Bartbright: Of course not; the 1% will serve as a goalpost for the less fortunate ones. President Trump is very firm on this point.

New York Times: (makes odd guttural noises but words do not come out)

Bartbright: Have another go. Something harder perhaps?

New York Times (after regaining composure): President Trump pledged to open West Virginia mines and bring coal back. Do you see it happening?  

Bartbright: Absolutely. This means a lot of jobs for the region. Is there something problematic with this plan?

New York Times (agitated): What about climate change? Carbon dioxide emissions? Does anybody care about the planet in this administration?!

Bartbright: Climate change was invented by the Chinese precisely because they wanted to get in on this deal. All is well. Have faith!

New York Times (roaring): Have faith?? Once you start burning this coal, the game is over!

Bartbright (confused): Burning? Which part of “bringing coal back” do you not understand?  We start with Chinese coal and then bring in the rest. It will be huge, and the Chinese will pay our miners to bury the coal back in the ground. 

New York Times (barely coherent): Bury the coal??

Bartbright: Have you been to Appalachia? It looks like Swiss cheese, full of holes ---  total disaster. We patch it up with Chinese coal and it will look great again!

New York Times (makes hissing and gurgling sounds of distress)

Bartbright: (cheerfully) Last chance, make it count.

New York Times (with some hesitation): What about defunding the National Endowment for the Arts?  This was 150 million dollars in grants for artists whose creations were making America great. Now those funds will go to the military.  Trump is throwing American artists under the bus, and this is shameful and at odds with his promises.

Bartbright :  This was a tough one because so many great American jobs are at stake.

New York Times: Jobs? What jobs?

Bartbright: Do you know how much a paint job of a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier costs? 

New York Times: Let me guess — 150 million?

Bartbright: And who is best qualified to do it?

New York Times (with horror) American artists??

Bartbright (with great relief) I feel like we are finally together in a bigger tent of understanding. 

New York Times:This is unbelievable…

Bartbright: Isn’t it? Do you know that the USS Ronald Reagan and USS George H.W. Bush did not get a single coat of paint during the entire eight years of the Obama presidency?!  Sad!

New York Times (moans loudly) 

Earwax scandal unfolds

The earwax scandal first reported by Bartbright News here is claiming its first victims. President Trump and the rest of his Cabinet, incensed by the sneaky way in which their private meetings were recorded, attempted damage control  and went after the scientists behind this new technology. 

Social media is full of pictures of Trump Cabinet members grooming each other and cleaning each other's ears of any questionable matter. Boxes of Q-tips have been deployed at the entrance to the Oval Office together with portable earwax incinerators. President Trump issued an executive order introducing Code Red Personal Hygiene of any government official at the level of department head or higher. It was successfully implemented without any challenges  from courts; a much needed success story for the 45th president, who is under assault from friends and foes alike. 

Trump’s officials made considerable efforts to identify the science behind the technology of recovering audible content from earwax samples. The leading theoretical component was fractal Fourier analysis and compressed sensing, further aided by research on thin films and bio-fluids. The development of the entire toolbox was supported by the National Science Foundation and National Institute for Health through several grants. Days later, the new budget blueprint from the White House identified both agencies as rogue players slated for massive budget cuts and layoffs. To further prevent such scientific mishaps in the future, the Education Department was tasked with making appropriate curriculum changes. Education Secretary Betsy DeVos stepped up to the plate and in record time identified a key intellectual ingredient that enabled fruition of the earwax technology — the concept of a real number.  After a brief consultation, real numbers were removed from the K-12 curriculum in the middle of the school year. 

Meanwhile, the CIA has released the first transcripts of decrypted earwax recordings and Bartbright received advance copies.  

Oval Office March 8

Donald Trump: Listen people, we are in the middle of dismantling the administrative state and fighting with the opposition media. We cannot afford to be careless and lose crucial assets.

Steve Bannon: I take personal responsibility for Michael Flynn. It should have never happened.

Donald Trump: Forget Flynn, he was a Turkish agent and an idiot. I am talking about Frederick Douglass. He was a fine talking point and suddenly he was no longer there. I want to know what happened.

(There is a sound of shuffling and prolonged silence)

Kellyanne Conway (thoughtfully): It was Hillary Clinton, with a drone, in Benghazi.

(More shuffling and sounds of pieces of paper being passed around)

Sean Spitzer: It was Al Gore, with an ozone hood, in the New York Times headquarters.

(More strange noises)

Jared Kushner: It was Honey Boo Boo, with overcooked grits, in the Duck Dynasty lair.

Ivanka Trump: It was Chelsea Clinton, with a Prada handbag, on 5th Avenue.

Vladimir Putin (via Skype): It was Rosa Luxembourg, with hammer and sickle, in Boston.

Donald Trump (with faint praise): Good work people. We will follow these clues. Now let's  see what's going on in the world.

(Sound of tv being turned on and the voices of Alex Jones, Tomi Lahren, and Sean Hannity fill the room.)  

“I served on Obamacare Death Panel” — interview with Luke Plomba

Bartbright: Mr. Plomba, could you tell us a little about yourself? What do you do professionally?

Plomba: I am a mathematician, but for the most part I just teach three sections of calculus each semester.

Bartbright: Higher mathematics, very impressive. You must be very proud.

Plomba (perks up):  I did not think about it this way, but thank you very much.

Bartbright: Could you tell our readers what led you to the Death Panel experience?

Plomba: I am happily married with two kids and a small house that with some luck will be paid off in two decades. But I have never made a hard decision in my entire life. 

Bartbright: Not even one?

Plomba (after a long pause): The closest thing was eliminating trigonometry from the business calculus sequence, but it was a while ago.

Bartbright (with compassion): And the Death Panel was meant to fill the void?

Plomba: Precisely. I was hoping for a gut wrenching agony of wielding the power of God at my fingertips. 

Bartbright: (sounding jealous) Yes, I can see that. And has it worked out for you?

Plomba: Not at all. Obamacare is the biggest fraud I have ever seen.  

Bartbright: Strong words. Please tell us more.

Plomba: First of all, being on the Death Panel is not a huge time sink. We were meeting once a week and discussing the cases. A three point evaluation, just to see where things are heading. 

Bartbright: Three point evaluation —  is this from calculus? 

Plomba: Calculus is concerned with the infinitesimal rate of change. A three point evaluation is just a rough approximation based on three separate observations, the most you can do under the circumstances.

Bartbright (with morbid curiosity):  So you were actually seeing the patients?

Plomba; Just video recordings of them watching Fox News. No matter what is your political orientation this channel keeps your blood pressure up.

Bartbright: And?

Plomba: And I soon  noticed that people were dropping out.

Bartbright: Unbelievable! You mean  that watching Fox News can kill you? 

Plomba: Not at all. They were getting better!

Bartbright: That is more like it, good ol' Fox News..

Plomba (exasperated) Just let me finish. You see, in order to be put in front of a Death Panel you must be covered by Obamacare. That means that you are getting reasonable healthcare and generally getting healthier. In many cases people who looked like excellent candidates for our recommendation were completely fine a month later.

Bartbright (suspiciously): Is there a problem when people are getting better?

Plomba (incredulous): Yes, it is a problem, at least for a Death Panel! It is called “murder” when you terminate completely healthy people.

Bartbright (seeing the light) Yes, of course. But why is it so upsetting?

Plomba (with great frustration): Because of cheaters!

Bartbright: What cheaters?

Plomba (raising his voice): Have you read the Obamacare manual?? You can pay tax penalty and not be insured!! And this is completely legal!!!

Bartbright (slowly processing words and thoughts): So these are cheaters?

Plomba (choking on words) Cheaters! No, triple cheaters! They make health insurance more expensive for everybody, we cannot run them through the Death Panel because they are not eligible, and when they die, and they do drop like flies, they are not in our records.

Bartbright: Oh my, you are so right. What a nefarious scheme!

Plomba (calming down): There you have it. This is a broken system that cannot be fixed. We should have drained the swamp first!

Bartbright (focussing with superhuman intensity): Drained the swamp … of cheaters? 

Plomba (starts chanting with passion) Drain the swamp! Drain the swamp!

Bartbright (with hesitation) But wouldn’t it mean that everybody must have health insurance then?

Plomba (exclaims belligerently) Damn right! Everybody! 

Bartbright (shocked) My God, you are a liberal!
Plomba (with a drunken glee) No, I am a mathematician!
Bartbright (whispering to himself) By golly, what a sneaky plan… if this was implemented there would be nothing for us to repeal and replace. 

Voter fraud uncovered

 Persistent claims of voters fraud and irregularities in the 2016 election led to the creation of a Congressional commission tasked with sorting out these thorny questions. With the intention to leave no stone unturned, the Commission pored over the records. At this point it is virtually  certain that up to 5 million, or one in every thirty votes, was a dud. With such massive fraud, a small sampling will reveal the truth, although the evidence is not yet conclusive.  However, the Commission stumbled upon another irregularity, this time with absentee ballots. In short, examination of the absentee ballots  indicated that about 3 million of them, all cast in favor of President Trump, originate form Trump hotels around the globe. Bartbright was first on the story (soundly beating the opposition media such as New York Times and Washington Post), and below are excerpts of an interview with Gillian Truway from Trump Hotel in Dubai.

————————————

Bartbright: Gillian, what’s the story with absentee ballots for the US presidential election coming from Dubai?

Gillian Truway: Are you talking about our “Piece of America” promotion?

Bartbright: “Piece of America?”

Gillian Truway: With President Trump’s slogan being “America First,” we did not want our customers to feel like second-class citizens and this is how the “Piece of America” idea came about.

Bartbright: Interesting; could you explain more for our readers?

Gillian Truway: So we told our guests that the Trump Hotel in Dubai is a piece of America, and that they are Americans as long as they stay there. It was a huge  success. 

Bartbright: But there were not US citizens.

Gillian Truway: Of course not, we just told them that they were.

—————————————————

A Congressional commission confirmed that the “Piece of America” campaign was also run in Scotland, Panama, Turkey, Korea, Uruguay, Brazil and the Philippines, and we pursued the leads. Soon after, Bartbright contacted Clinton McDuff at the CIA for more information, and here are excerpts of that interview.

————————

Bartbright: Anything that you can share with our readers on absentee voting for President Trump?

Clinton McDuff:  You mean “Piece of America.”

Bartbright:  The name rings a bell.

Clinton McDuff: “Piece of America” was a perfectly executed master stroke. Dubai, Scotland, and Panama were code-named “Florida;” Turkey and Korea - “Michigan;” Uruguay and Brazil - “”Wisconsin;” and the Philippines - “Ohio.”  All of them are known today as “surprise” states, where Trump scored a surprising victory.

Bartbright: So what exactly happened?

Clinton McDuff: Well, after the Trump hotel guests were made Americans for a day, they were given other tokens of citizenship, such as a US address and social security number and such. An absentee ballot was tied to a free drink in the hotel bar or other prizes. They really went the extra mile to make everybody feel American and to provide a sense of belonging.

Bartbright: Mamma mia!  Are you saying that these guests actually voted?

Clinton McDuff: Of course they voted, and it looks like it was a lot of fun. You can find pictures on social media of 4-year-old Kuwaitis filling out absentee ballots with the assistance of Trump hotel staff. 

Bartbright: Stunning. So Kuwaiti businessman and their families elected the American president?

Clinton McDuff: We call him President not-elect for a reason.

Bartbright:  This sounds like someone is in trouble. I venture it is not President Trump.

Eavesdropping on Trump swiftly confirmed

Congressional investigation of the wire-tapping of Trump Tower by the Obama administration scored an early success with an admission of guilt from several involved parties. It turns out that the cover and plausible deniability that had kept the matter a secret for so long had been due to the unusual way in which the eavesdropping was done.  Below are excerpts from an interview with Bartbright science consultant Peter Karbid.

——————

Bartbright: Peter, can you give us the scoop on how this was done?

Karbid: Sure, it is a fascinating story. In 1966 Mark Kac wrote an article entitled “Can you hear the shape of a drum?” where he posed the question from the title. A great deal of mathematical work followed and the answer turned out to be generally positive.

Bartbright: Huh?

Karbid:  The point is that sound is just a wave in a medium. Kac’s article led to a tremendous amount of research on the dispersion of sound in soft-solid media, and with the advent of fractal Fourier analysis….

Bartbright (interrupting nervously): Peter, we will have an editorial on fractional Fourier analysis for our fact-loving readers on Tuesday, so just the basics now please!

Karbid (sounding like a cat who has been denied a mouse): There is a way to extract from a person a complete recording of their recent conversations, with the duration of the recording limited only by the person’s personal habits.

Bartbright (befuddled): Extract? Personal habits?

Karbit (triumphantly) Earwax! The substance is like magic, and as long it has room to grow it encodes all sounds entering through the ear-canal.

Bartbright (slightly disgusted) I see the connection to personal habits.

———————————

A FOIA request unearthed  that CIA is in possession of  considerable number of earwax samples from the members of the Trump campaign, transition team, cabinet members, and the President himself. These  were surreptitiously harvested  over a period of time per instructions from the Obama administration. The legality of these acquisitions is not contested,  as these specimens were were left  by the owners in bathrooms and stuck under chairs and tables, and as such are generally not protected by privacy laws. 

Below are excerpts from an interview with Bartbright NIH contact  Darren Penguilly.

—————————

Bartbright: Darren, can you tell us what you learned from the earwax samples recovered from Trump’s cronies?

Penguilly: Oh, boy, it is a mother lode. Amazing stuff. 

Bartbright: Nothing questionable I hope…

Penguilly: At the  moment we have only established two facts regarding the sample originating from the President.

Bartbright: Yes?

Penguilly: One is that his sample is shaped like Russia. We would love to take a peek in his ear-canal.

Bartbright: And the other?

Penguilly: The other one is that  he is functionally deaf.

Bartbright: Deaf?! Obviously, he is not deaf!

Penguilly: Let me explain - large marine mammals can lower their heart rate, and thereby their oxygen consumption, by 90 percent when diving. This is a protective mechanism for functioning in an airless environment.

Bartbright: So?

Penguilly: So the leading theory among my colleagues at NiH is that President Trump developed similar coping mechanisms when dealing with sources of information that threaten his viewpoints. He can throttle them at the entry point! Cool stuff!

Bartbright: He can not hear at will?

Penguilly: Yep. Quiet time when you need it, just like a whale.

—————————

This is heady stuff, and we will stay on the story and report as soon as more facts emerge.