Earwax scandal unfolds

The earwax scandal first reported by Bartbright News here is claiming its first victims. President Trump and the rest of his Cabinet, incensed by the sneaky way in which their private meetings were recorded, attempted damage control  and went after the scientists behind this new technology. 

Social media is full of pictures of Trump Cabinet members grooming each other and cleaning each other's ears of any questionable matter. Boxes of Q-tips have been deployed at the entrance to the Oval Office together with portable earwax incinerators. President Trump issued an executive order introducing Code Red Personal Hygiene of any government official at the level of department head or higher. It was successfully implemented without any challenges  from courts; a much needed success story for the 45th president, who is under assault from friends and foes alike. 

Trump’s officials made considerable efforts to identify the science behind the technology of recovering audible content from earwax samples. The leading theoretical component was fractal Fourier analysis and compressed sensing, further aided by research on thin films and bio-fluids. The development of the entire toolbox was supported by the National Science Foundation and National Institute for Health through several grants. Days later, the new budget blueprint from the White House identified both agencies as rogue players slated for massive budget cuts and layoffs. To further prevent such scientific mishaps in the future, the Education Department was tasked with making appropriate curriculum changes. Education Secretary Betsy DeVos stepped up to the plate and in record time identified a key intellectual ingredient that enabled fruition of the earwax technology — the concept of a real number.  After a brief consultation, real numbers were removed from the K-12 curriculum in the middle of the school year. 

Meanwhile, the CIA has released the first transcripts of decrypted earwax recordings and Bartbright received advance copies.  

Oval Office March 8

Donald Trump: Listen people, we are in the middle of dismantling the administrative state and fighting with the opposition media. We cannot afford to be careless and lose crucial assets.

Steve Bannon: I take personal responsibility for Michael Flynn. It should have never happened.

Donald Trump: Forget Flynn, he was a Turkish agent and an idiot. I am talking about Frederick Douglass. He was a fine talking point and suddenly he was no longer there. I want to know what happened.

(There is a sound of shuffling and prolonged silence)

Kellyanne Conway (thoughtfully): It was Hillary Clinton, with a drone, in Benghazi.

(More shuffling and sounds of pieces of paper being passed around)

Sean Spitzer: It was Al Gore, with an ozone hood, in the New York Times headquarters.

(More strange noises)

Jared Kushner: It was Honey Boo Boo, with overcooked grits, in the Duck Dynasty lair.

Ivanka Trump: It was Chelsea Clinton, with a Prada handbag, on 5th Avenue.

Vladimir Putin (via Skype): It was Rosa Luxembourg, with hammer and sickle, in Boston.

Donald Trump (with faint praise): Good work people. We will follow these clues. Now let's  see what's going on in the world.

(Sound of tv being turned on and the voices of Alex Jones, Tomi Lahren, and Sean Hannity fill the room.)