Bartbright participated in the first limited screening of the voice and video recordings harvested from the White House Mouse. As we will shortly see, the recording clarifies central tenets of the Trump presidency, and is likely to calm down a country that is at a loss about its future.
As the story goes, Andrew Johnson, the 17th US President, befriended the White House mice during his impeachment proceedings and afterward offered them a Presidential Pardon for cheering him up during those dark hours. Consequently, we are happy to report that the White House Mouse is doing well and has been released to his favorite environment over the objections of the White House’s human occupants. It remains to be seen if the White House Mouse will offer Donald Trump similar respite if his presidency runs into trouble.
The video opens with the White House Mouse plodding nervously though a narrow duct towards the small opening at the end. It sticks out its head and we see that we are in the Oval Office together with Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner, Eric and Donald Trump Jr sitting around the coffee table. Everybody is wearing pajamas with red “Trump Hotel” logos and Melania Trump is serving warm milk and cookies. Unfortunately, one of the cookies has fallen on the floor, and the White House Mouse is preoccupied with the idea of bringing it to his nesting station. Consequently, most of the video shows a cookie on the floor and a bunch of human feet around it. The audio, however, is of superior quality, as rodents do not have fingers to poke in their ears to disturb the earwax deposits.
Donald Trump’s children line up obediently and the President carefully checks their ears, prodding them with Q-tips and searching for earwax.
“All clear,” he announces finally, “we may speak freely.”
The video shows everybody relaxing and Donald Trump waves at them to sit down.
“The state of the Trump Family is great,” he announces, as if talking to Congress, “and things are looking up. It is going to be beautiful.”
Ivanka raises her hand.
“Dad, I worry a little about all the promises that you have made to the American people - lower taxes, bigger army, better healthcare, more jobs. How are you going to do all this?”
“I won’t,” Donald Trump brushes her concerns away, “this is not possible.”
“You won’t?” Ivanka exclaims, and Jared looks up startled, “but you promised!”
“Darling!” Donald Trump says with fatherly concern, “I feel as if my supporters understand me better than you do.”
“Dad, please don’t be mean to Ivanka,” Jared stands up for his wife, “it is not fair.”
“Let me explain,” Donald Trump retreats patiently. “When you vote for me, and nearly the entire country did, it is like buying a lottery ticket.”
“A lottery ticket?” Eric Trump asks hesitantly.
“Yes, a lottery ticket,” Donald Trump explains with infinite patience, “all can win, but in the end nearly everybody looses. My supporters understand it very well and they are ok with it.”
“All can win?” Donald junior muses, “so this is sort of random?”
“Of course it is not random, I have my priorities.”
“Priorities?” Ivanka inquires.
“With me the Trump Family is aways first.” Donald Trump explains looking at his children proudly.
“Isn’t it America First?” Jared pipes in.
“That is right! America First but it begins with the First Family!” Donald Trump announces. “There has to be some order to it.”
“And your supporters are also fine with it?” asks Ivanka, confirming her reputation for candor and persistence.
“Of course; my supporters have boundless loyalty. Remember when I said during the campaign that I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters?”
“Oh Daddy, you are so silly,” Ivanka rolls with laughter, “of course you would not lose voters. People who walk on 5th Avenue would never vote for you.”
The Fam relaxes and sips milk, munching on cookies while White House Mouse is eyeing his prize.
Jared Kushner raises his hand, indicating that he wants to speak.
“Let me throw a log onto the fire,” he announces happily. “Ivanka and I just got a 400 million dollar advance on a four billion investment.”
“My son, 4 billion, it is beautiful,” Donald Trump is beyond himself, “I am so proud of you. What did you sell?”
“A chunk of Manhattan to the Chinese,” Ivanka interjects, “but nothing to cry over.”
“Do they want anything in return?” Donald Trump asks with deeply seated suspicion.
“They do,” Jared steps up to the plate, “but nothing that you could not handle.”
“Ok, what is it?” Donald Trump inquires.
“Scientific research - they feel we are moving too fast in some directions, and it gives them a headache,” Jared explains.
“What kind of research?” Donald Trump perks up.
“Math, physics, chemistry, material science, astronomy,” Jared recites reading from his smartphone, “that is what their prime minister texted me.”
“That’s it?” Donald Trump shakes his head, “talk to Mick Mulvaney. He can shave off a billion from research funding easily, and he loves this kind of challenge.”
“Dad, you are so great. I promise we will get all this money back to you in cash or bitcoin.”
Eric Trump raises his hand.
“What’s up, son?” Donald Trump says encouragingly.
“A curious thing happened in our DC hotel right after the election. A French envoy ordered an espresso and croissant and left a rather large tip.”
“How large?” Donald Trump inquires.
“Half a million dollars,” Eric Trump answers, not sure what to make of it.
“Son, this is excellent news,” Donald Trump cheers him up, “we need more customers like this.”
“In fact, this was just the beginning,” Eric Trump reports more confidently. “Such tipping from businessman, diplomats, and foreigners staying in our hotels has become routine. We might even stave off the next bankruptcy.”
“Yes! Yes! Yes!” Donald Trump pumps his fists, “I knew it would come. People were telling me that renting America for four years will be bad for business, but they were so wrong. It will be great for our brand.”
“And who changed your mind?” Jared asks with curiosity.
“Vladimir Putin,” Donald Trump pronounces the name of his mentor with reverence. “He told me to take the job and promised to help.”
“How could he help?” Donald Junior mumbles to himself.
“In fact, Vladimir says that convincing me was the hardest part,” Donald Trump says proudly. “The rest of the country was a piece of cake.”
“We are proud of you Daddy,” Ivanka speaks up for the entire family. “So much support from so many people.”
“That is the key to my success,” Donald Trump revels in a self-congratulatory groove, “the poor and uneducated vote for me, the rich and affluent will go the extra mile to share my success, and foreigners want to express their gratitude for what we are not doing to them yet!”
