New York Times: In these days of fake media and questionable reporting you stand above all as a voice of reason and a beacon for conservative readers. What is your secret?
Bartbright: We appreciate this kind appraisal. As to your question — the answer is simple: today’s world is complicated and multi-dimensional. So as a matter of policy, we do not disagree with anybody, but rather add to the existing narrative and fill in what appears to be missing.
New York Times: How can one not disagree in the presence of glaring contradictions? Shouldn’t a political program sort out these logical issues and toss falsehoods out?
Bartbright: We do not have a political program. Instead we are trying to build a bigger tent of understanding.
New York Times: A bigger tent of understanding? But truth and falsehood do not mix!
Bartbright: Perhaps one needs to be more specific. Do you have any examples of these contradictions?
New Your Times: Consider this: At the moment, the Trump administration is on a path to dismantle the existing health care system. They are planning a massive tax cut for the richest 1%, and to abolish programs for the poor and defund scientific endeavors that are not to their liking. And …
Bartbright (interrupts): This may be all true, but where is the contradiction that you are complaining about?
New York Time (somewhat surprised) These things do not square with Trump’s campaign’s slogan of making America great again!
Bartbright: Is that so? We would rather say that President Trump is trying to implement a plan that will make America great again by giving the American people their inalienable constitutional rights back. What do you make of this?
New York Times: Rights? and what rights are those??
Bartbright: The right to be be sick, poor, and miserable. You must agree that people ought to have a say in such matters.
New York Times: Ha, ha, there you have it! What about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? Don’t your “rights” contradict the Declaration of Independence and the words of our Founding Fathers?
Bartbright: Not at all. Have you noticed the word “pursuit”? It speaks to an ongoing process which has to start somewhere. There is no better starting place toward happiness then being sick, poor, and miserable.
New York Times: This is insane! Do you really want to make everybody miserable?
Bartbright: Of course not; the 1% will serve as a goalpost for the less fortunate ones. President Trump is very firm on this point.
New York Times: (makes odd guttural noises but words do not come out)
Bartbright: Have another go. Something harder perhaps?
New York Times (after regaining composure): President Trump pledged to open West Virginia mines and bring coal back. Do you see it happening?
Bartbright: Absolutely. This means a lot of jobs for the region. Is there something problematic with this plan?
New York Times (agitated): What about climate change? Carbon dioxide emissions? Does anybody care about the planet in this administration?!
Bartbright: Climate change was invented by the Chinese precisely because they wanted to get in on this deal. All is well. Have faith!
New York Times (roaring): Have faith?? Once you start burning this coal, the game is over!
Bartbright (confused): Burning? Which part of “bringing coal back” do you not understand? We start with Chinese coal and then bring in the rest. It will be huge, and the Chinese will pay our miners to bury the coal back in the ground.
New York Times (barely coherent): Bury the coal??
Bartbright: Have you been to Appalachia? It looks like Swiss cheese, full of holes --- total disaster. We patch it up with Chinese coal and it will look great again!
New York Times (makes hissing and gurgling sounds of distress)
Bartbright: (cheerfully) Last chance, make it count.
New York Times (with some hesitation): What about defunding the National Endowment for the Arts? This was 150 million dollars in grants for artists whose creations were making America great. Now those funds will go to the military. Trump is throwing American artists under the bus, and this is shameful and at odds with his promises.
Bartbright : This was a tough one because so many great American jobs are at stake.
New York Times: Jobs? What jobs?
Bartbright: Do you know how much a paint job of a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier costs?
New York Times: Let me guess — 150 million?
Bartbright: And who is best qualified to do it?
New York Times (with horror) American artists??
Bartbright (with great relief) I feel like we are finally together in a bigger tent of understanding.
New York Times:This is unbelievable…
Bartbright: Isn’t it? Do you know that the USS Ronald Reagan and USS George H.W. Bush did not get a single coat of paint during the entire eight years of the Obama presidency?! Sad!
New York Times (moans loudly)
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