“I served on Obamacare Death Panel” — interview with Luke Plomba

Bartbright: Mr. Plomba, could you tell us a little about yourself? What do you do professionally?

Plomba: I am a mathematician, but for the most part I just teach three sections of calculus each semester.

Bartbright: Higher mathematics, very impressive. You must be very proud.

Plomba (perks up):  I did not think about it this way, but thank you very much.

Bartbright: Could you tell our readers what led you to the Death Panel experience?

Plomba: I am happily married with two kids and a small house that with some luck will be paid off in two decades. But I have never made a hard decision in my entire life. 

Bartbright: Not even one?

Plomba (after a long pause): The closest thing was eliminating trigonometry from the business calculus sequence, but it was a while ago.

Bartbright (with compassion): And the Death Panel was meant to fill the void?

Plomba: Precisely. I was hoping for a gut wrenching agony of wielding the power of God at my fingertips. 

Bartbright: (sounding jealous) Yes, I can see that. And has it worked out for you?

Plomba: Not at all. Obamacare is the biggest fraud I have ever seen.  

Bartbright: Strong words. Please tell us more.

Plomba: First of all, being on the Death Panel is not a huge time sink. We were meeting once a week and discussing the cases. A three point evaluation, just to see where things are heading. 

Bartbright: Three point evaluation —  is this from calculus? 

Plomba: Calculus is concerned with the infinitesimal rate of change. A three point evaluation is just a rough approximation based on three separate observations, the most you can do under the circumstances.

Bartbright (with morbid curiosity):  So you were actually seeing the patients?

Plomba; Just video recordings of them watching Fox News. No matter what is your political orientation this channel keeps your blood pressure up.

Bartbright: And?

Plomba: And I soon  noticed that people were dropping out.

Bartbright: Unbelievable! You mean  that watching Fox News can kill you? 

Plomba: Not at all. They were getting better!

Bartbright: That is more like it, good ol' Fox News..

Plomba (exasperated) Just let me finish. You see, in order to be put in front of a Death Panel you must be covered by Obamacare. That means that you are getting reasonable healthcare and generally getting healthier. In many cases people who looked like excellent candidates for our recommendation were completely fine a month later.

Bartbright (suspiciously): Is there a problem when people are getting better?

Plomba (incredulous): Yes, it is a problem, at least for a Death Panel! It is called “murder” when you terminate completely healthy people.

Bartbright (seeing the light) Yes, of course. But why is it so upsetting?

Plomba (with great frustration): Because of cheaters!

Bartbright: What cheaters?

Plomba (raising his voice): Have you read the Obamacare manual?? You can pay tax penalty and not be insured!! And this is completely legal!!!

Bartbright (slowly processing words and thoughts): So these are cheaters?

Plomba (choking on words) Cheaters! No, triple cheaters! They make health insurance more expensive for everybody, we cannot run them through the Death Panel because they are not eligible, and when they die, and they do drop like flies, they are not in our records.

Bartbright: Oh my, you are so right. What a nefarious scheme!

Plomba (calming down): There you have it. This is a broken system that cannot be fixed. We should have drained the swamp first!

Bartbright (focussing with superhuman intensity): Drained the swamp … of cheaters? 

Plomba (starts chanting with passion) Drain the swamp! Drain the swamp!

Bartbright (with hesitation) But wouldn’t it mean that everybody must have health insurance then?

Plomba (exclaims belligerently) Damn right! Everybody! 

Bartbright (shocked) My God, you are a liberal!
Plomba (with a drunken glee) No, I am a mathematician!
Bartbright (whispering to himself) By golly, what a sneaky plan… if this was implemented there would be nothing for us to repeal and replace.